New Issue of BleakHouse Review Now Available

9 Apr

BleakHouse Publishing is proud to release our annual BleakHouse Review, an online literary magazine that serves as an outlet for original perspectives on the criminal justice system. BleakHouse Publishing devotes itself to the creative voices of the voiceless. You will hear from an array of talented American University students, as well as former inmates and current prisoners.

Blending shades of cynicism and hopeful feeling, these poets and storytellers will show you a side of justice you’ve never seen. Alongside these short pieces are stunning (and often unsettling) photographs that capture in images what the writer captures in words. These works will change your mind about the criminal justice system and what it means to be a criminal; ultimately, they will change your heart.

People are trapped by prison walls. Prisoners and others are constrained by personal limitations they build for themselves. The goal of the BleakHouse Review is not to make excuses for terrible crimes, but rather to shed a humane light on the very human men, women, and children who feel the brutality of a broken system every day. In this magazine, you will also read “Momma” by Allison Kroboth, a prisoner at Fluvanna Correctional Center for Women. She adopts the perspective of a child, drawn from her own childhood, remembering in touching clarity the startling arrest of her mother, a caring woman with bad habits.

For many contributing students, this is their first time as published writers. BleakHouse Publishing wants to uplift aspiring artists, propelling them in many instances to their first successes and urging them to use their creative gifts to generate awareness for social justice issues.

BleakHouse Review is edited by Dr. Robert Johnson, a Professor at American University, (literary content) and Carla Mavaddat (art and design). For the 2013 issue, we gratefully acknowledge the assistance and support provided by associate editor Jada Wittow.

A copy of the BleakHouse Review is available online for free on our website for a limited time.

tacenda

More from NC Poet Laureate Joseph Bathanti

28 Mar

About this post: These pieces will appear in Concertina, Joseph Bathanti‘s forthcoming book of prison-related poems, from Mercer University Press. Bathanti is North Carolina’s Poet Laureate and a professor of creative writing at Appalachian State University, where he is Director of Writing in the Field and Writer-in-Residence in the University’s Watauga Global Community. He has taught writing workshops in prisons for 35 years and is former chair of the N.C. Writers’ Network Prison project.

Recidivism

From the Latin: recidīvus “recurring” and recidō “I fall back” and re “back” and cadō “I fall.”

- Merriam-Webster Dictionary

Before working in a prison, I had never heard the term. A guard, Albert Overcash, took me out on escape with him – a violation that would’ve meant his job. Albert knew the guy on the run – Clarence Vessel (alias Weasel) – and didn’t think it mattered one way or another if Clarence were caught or stayed gone. “I’m sure not hauling him back to the camp,” Albert vowed.

Clarence, a revolving-door drunk, had never hurt anybody. They’d pick him up, drunker than ten men, for loitering or pissing against a dumpster, stealing potted meat at Kroger. Give him eighteen months. He’d serve six active, bump out, then back in for Mogen David, Wild Irish Rose, MD 20-20. DTs, black-outs, his gray matter eaten up with rotgut.

Albert laid this all out to me. Before I knew anything. Before I had a notion of time and captivity. He didn’t want to be a prison guard; but, my age, he had a wife and new baby girl. In high school, he had had a tryout with the Cubs, then got his girl pregnant and dropped out before graduation to work, copped a GED, and finally picked up the job at Huntersville Prison: simple enough if you could navigate the application and clear the PIN check. A shitty job with shitty wages, but stability and benefits. He was chipping away on a degree in Criminal Justice at Central Piedmont. He smoked reefer and drank malt liquor. Thin hair fell over his ears; he wore gold bracelets and necklaces with his uniform. The old guards didn’t like him. He thought every last bit of it was a farce.

We just rode around the day Clarence Vessel ran, relieved we didn’t run up on him. As dictated by procedure, Albert communicated over the CB to the other vehicles involved in the chase: 10-4 and What’s your 20? On his chest, he wore the silver Department of Correction nameplate: M.A (for Maynard Albert) Overcash. We crossed into Cabarrus County, stopped at a roadhouse for beer and corndogs, listened to Led Zeppelin, threw darts and drove back to the Unit.

I don’t know if Clarence was ever found. 60 to 70 percent of the men and women sent up go back to prison at least once during their lives – not even taking into account the ones who never get out. Those numbers seemed so absurdly impossible that I dismissed them – Albert’s kind of joke, a stab at irony. He worked third shift, all night – the dead man’s shift – when the prison unleashed its haints and diabolical. He’d hole up in the sergeant’s office, between the two wings of the cellblock, packed each with ninety convicts, bunked three-tiers high, some very dangerous men, and read Stephen King. Albert and I went to the Capri on opening night and watched The Shining. He insisted we sit in the first row. Those bloody, desiccated monsters hurtling through the screen into our faces. We were both twenty-three. He knew I was trying to be a writer. He had a drawer full of stories he promised to show me.

But for all that, he invested in the wrong person, forgot the first principle of his profession: Never trust a convict. Contraband (another term): a buzz, some tiny shimmer to elevate Albert above the yard into the book he was dying to write – maybe about a young white prison guard with a new family who gets roiled up with a black convict cook, perhaps the two are secretly in love, and sells his soul for a weedy lid of dirt-clotted home-grown.

Albert got popped. Ended up trailing time himself at a minimum camp in Anson County: 6 months active – like Clarence Vessel. Often that’s how it starts: a fellow catches piddling time behind an innocent high, wrong place, wrong time (same way Albert explained Clarence). Could happen to anybody: one lousy misfire and you find yourself a convict, sporting prison greens, in constant peril. Perhaps that life even becomes you.

After that first jolt, Albert flopped back and forth to the penitentiary, mainly possession and public drunks, dibbing and dabbing, and finally he ran. He’s out there somewhere, right now, his name on a fugitive warrant.

 

Freedom Drive

At Camp Greene, I picked up two inmates rigged out in street clothes for work-release interviews at Jack’s Steak House on Freedom Drive. A petite convict named Short Dog,

all mouth, never stopped, the almighty dozens – what the inmates termed jooging

a nervous conspiratorial laugh, toothpick, black leather jacket, and black toboggan.

Like a warhead. And a husky woman I had never seen before: Debbie, from the Halfway House on Park Road. Garish make-up, close afro, decked in hot pants, platforms, skimpy red tube cinching her considerable breasts, yet practiced in her dainty airs.

She and Short Dog lounged in the back seat of the state car: a blue ‘74 Valiant that bore the North Carolina Department of Correction decal on its front doors: a downward arrow that suddenly U-turned Heavenward, symbolic of the restoration engendered by a stretch in prison – the DOC at its most allegorical. The car had a bright yellow commonwealth tag and a CB that was to remain engaged whenever the vehicle was in operation. Along the drive shaft was a bracket to rack and lock a shotgun. I had switched off the CB. We listened to the radio. Autumn of ’76, Dylan’s Desire: “Hurricane” and “Joey.” The inmates liked those songs – the blood and danger.

We plopped in a booth at Jack’s. Debbie, red lipsticked mouth, batting eyes, blush caked on her high brown cheeks, propped her big breasts on the Formica – a carnal chaingang icon – Short Dog grinning gaudily, balancing the shaker in a drift of salt, worrying that toothpick around his mouth like a compass needle. The manager asked them a few questions, and hired them on the spot. Inmate labor was cheap and dependable.

On the way back to the camp, they smoked cigarettes, and held hands. We dropped by the Dairy Queen and together slowly ate the white pristine cones. Short Dog, later on the yard, finally clued me that Debbie was no girl, but Dwight, a transsexual, not the same as a he-she, but an inmate who had crossed over prior to going down; therefore the State was obliged by law to keep the hormones coming and everything else, including, if and when, the irrevocable surgery.

Debbie – everyone called her the girl – wore Honor Grade fatigues on the yard, but come lock-down shed to teddies and camisoles, a straight-up female – you couldn’t tell the difference – with a vicious body and lingerie living in the penitentiary dorm with 180 men who hadn’t had a woman in years. And she fought like a gladiator.

Convicts arriving on the transfer bus figured they’d caught the best time on the State.

A nightmare for custody, the Department didn’t know how to classify her, what pronoun was appropriate. Technically she was not a woman, so they couldn’t transfer her to Women’s in Raleigh. She was clearly not a man.

I didn’t know a damn thing, and that was never more apparent than that afternoon on Freedom Drive when I could not distinguish a man from a woman. I was just driving the car, digging Dylan, and a 50-cent cone from the DQ. In fact, I had been thinking: Mother of God. But not a desperate or even imploring Mother of God. Rather, a prayer of thanksgiving, near euphoria, that my life was just starting and the world was so utterly strange.

New Center for Educational Excellence in Alternative Settings Initiative: Words Unlocked

21 Mar

The Center for Educational Excellence in Alternative Settings’ new project, Words Unlocked, is a month-long initiative that includes practitioner-ready curricular materials, a nationwide competition, and publishing venues for student work.

All materials for the initiative are available at our wiki site, Words Unlocked. The wiki has a robust set of tools available for public use: daily lesson plans and teacher-ready classroom materials, rubrics and assessments, teacher tips, and more. It includes both a seven-day and a month-long poetry curriculum. Handouts and classroom materials are available in SMARTBoard, ActivBoard, MS Word, and PDF formats.

Words Unlocked includes a nationwide poetry competition open to any youth held in a secure facility. Poets R. Dwayne Betts and Jimmy Santiago Baca will serve as the lead judges. In addition, we will engage the public in the judging by running a nationwide poll using Twitter.

Please spread the word!

New Ways to Look

18 Mar

By Joe Donovan

About the guest blogger: Joe Donovan loves words, dislikes shoes, and would probably rather be in a tree right now. He is passionate about prison reform, restorative justice, and peace education, as well as about writing and other forms of creative expression. He is currently a senior at Georgetown University.

Joe interns with Free Minds Book Club and Writing Workshop, which serves juveniles who have been sentenced and incarcerated as adults in the Washington, DC jail. Participants take part in a poetry and creative writing workshop, through which they use writing as a tool for self-expression, reflection, and personal growth. Free Minds continues to offer services after members age into the federal system (because DC has no state prison system, incarcerated youth are funneled into federal prisons around the country after turning 18) and provides reentry support when members finish their sentences and return to the community. Free Minds also connects members and their writing with the community through its outreach programs, On the Same Page and Write Night. For more information, visit freemindsbookclub.org. To read and offer feedback on poetry written by the incarcerated youth of Free Minds, visit their blog.

I’ve had the joy and Second Semester Senior privilege of taking a sculpture class this semester. It’s been incredibly refreshing and has reminded me just how important creativity is to feeling like myself. Pushing my need for creativity and expression to the side has been too easy for me throughout my time in college, and I’m thankful for the opportunity to rediscover that side of myself. Just as importantly, it’s been a chance to explore the connection between creativity and the process of working for dignity, solidarity, and social justice.

For our first assignment in the class, each student constructed a “space frame,” a hollow cube/rectangular prism made by gluing wooden rods together. Then we had to fill the space with Art. The class started just as I began my time with Free Minds, and I was (and remain) hugely inspired by the strength and beauty of the members’ writing and stories.

I had been particularly touched by a poem written by young Free Minds poet DW, “They Call Me 299-359,” the title poem for Free Minds’ literary journal. The poem captures both the dehumanizing force of the prison system and the power of self-expression to overcome that force, and so I decided to base my sculpture around DW’s words. Here’s what came out of it:

It’s easy to look at a person in prison and see nothing but the cell they’re in.

We can fool ourselves into thinking that’s all that’s there – it’s easier to put a human in a cage if you don’t see the humanity.

But if you’re willing to change your perspective even a little bit, what you see starts to change. And things get more complicated.

There’s always a story there if you look for it. Here’s DW’s poem They Call Me 299-359, which tells a little slice of his.

“Orange jumpsuit, shower shoes and an armband / Guilty by appearance and judged by my race / Guilty until innocent in the words of a DA

Lost in a cold dream called prison / Four sharp corners, eggshell paint, dusty gray floor

They call me 299-359

Correctional officers view me as a stupid savage / I push the pen so that I remain happy

Mama and Daddy, these are the unwritten words of your baby’s diary

My orange jumpsuit and number are only the book cover / So please don’t judge / My words are pure as gold / Not aware of the success that these lines hold

I operate this pen to fight the war mentality / So please understand me

They call me 299-399 / Orange jumpsuit, shower shoes and an armband”

Words can build new, beautiful realities even in the ugliest places

But the work of seeing people for who they are is never completely finished

We have to keep finding new ways to look

Because seeing beauty requires standing on the right side.

Since writing this poem, DW has served his sentence and returned from prison. He is taking college classes while holding down a job, and likes to be known as The Poetry Man.

Poem by PCAP Member Tim Hurley

12 Mar

About the guest blogger: Tim Hurley has written throughout his professional life as a civil servant, though publishing would be 40 years in the making. Incarcerated twice, some 15 years apart, Tim took a Creative Writing class while on a second sabbatical with the Michigan Department of Corrections. Life experiences that inspire his writing include nine jails, two prisons terms, five near-death overdoses, seven total car wrecks, two cults, seven inpatient treatments for addiction, three blown careers, one divorce, and two wounded sons. His poem “Earl The Pearl” is in memory of Earl Cross and dedicated to his two sons Tim & Josh, and those in Holland that were hurt and left swirling & twirling in the wake of his sin & madness.

EARL THE PEARL
timothy e. hurley

our first meeting…a warm greeting
the pearl bore witness…polished & stoned
sautéed & seasoned…no longer free
bereft of all reason…a cell on tier three
in the jackson cage

flopping like a fish…on a dry river bank
a desperate wish…earl took pity
a place so oppressive…mayor of jack-town city
assigned numbers & neighbors…earl dug this sailor
the cross a rock-boss

no, more like a tailor…sewing up failures
in a small, safe ‘hood…where no one dared
to cross Cross…or mess with hurls
earl looked out…when good lookin’ was needed

down twenty-five to life…a reluctant plea
came home to his wife…a little to early
a site to behold…drove earl squirrely
some punk…biblically knowing
the bride of his youth…everything showing
in their wedding bed

earl whipped out a heater…shot him in his ass
he didn’t beat her…even gave her a pass
his rage exploding…wrong or right
snuffed out a life…leaving behind
two wounded sons…and one horny wife

the hurls could relate…we had that in common
surviving as clowns…for a life mostly down
devoid of dignity…or semblance
of any respect…a fight for survival
our lives a shipwreck

earl knew the drill…with panache’ and style
put the “ch” in chill…but it took me awhile

i was pearl’s nigga’…his words not mines
so try to relax…with your PC crimes
that can’t see past…the nose of your face
a condescending finger…having no place
devoid of grace…in the jackson cage

black & white no barrier…what a team we made
ain’t no thang…but a chicken wang
we banged hard…confounding the guards
earl would smile and say…”fuck those bitches today”
was his attempt to riff off…my twelve steppin’ ways

but earl got high…it made no sense
iron sharpening iron…cutting a fence
that otherwise kept…two men from knowing
how precious it is…grace like rain flowing

when brethren commenced …empathy dispensed
no time for those meetings…i gots this in hand
but earl had time for…stuff that was banned
as a matter of course…he’d gladly trade
a carton of squares….for a small bag of horse
copped on the yard…smuggled in by rogue guards
for a shot of nirvana…in the smelly sauna
of the jackson cage

laughing so hard…gosh was he funny
earl schemed hard….playing a card
a 30 gallon can…gettin’ over on the man
cooking in his cell…belching putrid smells
defiant when busted
sent to the hole for a season
released but not trusted…for very good reason

he did it again…second time’s a charm
mason jars…filled with scars
souls laid bare…eight ounce drinks
for packs of squares…to stop the thinks
and ease the pain…that living brings

while grace was present…for hurls to refrain
it sure was tempting…saving the brain
every cell screaming…for chemical salvation
psychotic dreamin’…one foot in heaven…clanging the bell
while entombed in a jackson prison cell

men would tussle…in cell-block one north
on gallery three…working a hustle
earl ran numbers…the hurls would type
way before learning…rejecting all hype
a major ticket…had to quit it
resignation tendered…for services rendered
pearl just smiled…in a place so vile
invoking yellow bile…toxic shame and remorse
stacked in piles…against cold tiles

where all we could do…at the end of a day
finding solace in the word…on knees we prayed
tough guys calling…that’s how we rolled
God funneled grace…to the face of our souls

on cold cement bawling…we cried for a touch
from the King of all kings…grown men crawling
heard earl scream once…a letter from home
hit like a punch…a black face drenched
with tears of remorse…for sons now gone

contenders now pretenders…on the brink of abyss
tortured souls…now smelling like,one-day-old piss
“your boys need you hurls! get out my man!”
good word on that one…this cage was no fun

a promise kept…fifteen years later
sobriety lost priority…freedom swept
by tsunamis of addiction…building off coast
smashing the shores…of those who loved most
taking the hit…of a second bit

thought of him often…a hard man softened
earl was my POTUS…later found out through OTIS
life bended was ended…in the jackson cage
crushed heart in pieces…hep c releases
to life eternal…no burning infernal

earl was my brother…with more faith, balls & class
than most guys I’ve known…in any church service or mass
never would yelp…strapped on a big pair
knew from whence came his help…in that evil lair
a visual remains…a big drum of spud
like a bear with her cubs…protecting the suds
from scandalous buds…a gurgling crud
to break chains and annihilate brains

with societal misdeeds…in spite of the loss
earl lived by a creed…and shouldered his cross
old-school to most…never one to boast
with faith so deep…it could keep
spirits revived and souls psychedelicized

pearl oft would say…as a greeting of sorts
”You’s a crazy muthafucka’ hurls”
a boat sinking in port…most might not dissent
the epitome of sorry…irish gone wild
a god-awful safari

earl’s pot calling…this white boy black
once prostrated on altars…of smack, jack & crack
an unholy trinity…removed from divinity
stopped from falling…sprung from hells
and cells with chipped paint
a neighbor I knew as some kind of saint

fighting a crew…human auctions of flesh
we made it through…redeemed from death
now it hardly seems true…on these streets called straight
God’s skies of blue…overcoming self-hate
rescued from the flood…by the Lamb’s shed blood
recidivism no option…a secured adoption
never again having to taste
the rage
of that jackson cage

 

Two poems by PCAP member Nina Levin

8 Mar
About the guest blogger: Nina is a senior at The University of Michigan studying Comparative Literature and Environmental Sustainability. Last fall, she became involved with Professor Buzz Alexander’s Engish 310 course which subsequently lead into The Prison Creative Arts Project. Through the class and the organization, she has participated in a creative writing workshop with six young men at Thumb Correctional Facility. She is excited to start a new workshop in Macomb this spring.

Both of these poems were written with the young men in the PCAP workshop at Thumb. The prompt for the first poem, “Kerrytown looks so closed,” was to describe the experience of entering prison. Practicing detailed description and colorful explanation, I wrote about the physical process of entering the prison for workshop on a weekly basis. Kerrytown is the name of my charming, Ann Arbor neighborhood. I titled it that because of the feeling it gives me every time I re-enter the world after workshop. The prompt for the second poem, “Metal free cage,” was to write about something that imprisons you. I chose a figurative kind of imprisonment, grief. I wrote about the loss of a close family member and how the vestiges of memory remain as a kind of trap.

Kerrytown has never looked so closed

Park your car beneath the security camera. Acknowledge the warning on the bricks asking you if you’re sure you’ve locked your car. Assure yourself you have; a prison parking lot is under heavy surveillance, after all. A sleepless hawk spies you from its metal nest at the top of every lamppost.

Greet the rising sun and stretch from the lengthy, speed-unlimited drive that takes you from dark to dawn. Your eyes pass over the curly, barbed rooftops, glittery and sparkly in the dewy light. The diamond studded fences glisten with morning, an innocent metallic shimmer. In the distance, the grass is pastoral and dotted with orange flowers. No, not flowers. One hat on many heads, playing with one orange ball on a block of pavement.

Observe the grand silence that swallows the brick buildings in its vacant throat. It is serene; peaceful, but you are unnerved.

Enter double doors, they welcome you so willingly

Present identification. This is who I am, I have plastic proof. The gatekeeper holds me to the light to determine my veracity. A luminous bear shines through the plastic California and I, for

the first time, discover a mitten in my own identity. Please let me go in, please let me come back out.

Stash your things. No scarves, no keys. Two note books, two pens, and sometimes colored pencils.

Take a seat in the sterile waiting chairs. Scratch your nails along the course blue plastic and hear the scrape echo in the metal that binds them all together. Look away if a prisoner passes through, clenched by metal that binds his hands together.

No other visitor awaits a prisoner. Once, a woman in working slacks and a soft sweater clutched her purse and crossed her ankles beneath her seat. She chomped a vended pack of M&Ms to sweeten the wait, a convergence of aging skin between her eyes showing her concern. For who?

Open your mouth, pull up your hair, spread your legs. A clinical, flat, un-gendered hand presses my sternum, my ankles, my pockets. I pass.

Button your alarm to your hip but don’t press it; cling as tightly to the pink paper than the invisible ink does to your palm.

Hurry down the hall because 90 miles an hour isn’t enough to get you there by nine. Notice (but don’t show it) the men in puffy blue jackets; one orange stripe squeezes the shoulders. My coat is blue too, but for a different reason. They are sweeping, strolling, pulling weeds, and holding the door for us.

Say Thank you.

Avoid eye contact, right?

See the man with the white hair protruding from beneath his cap and wonder whether he is an old prisoner or old and a prisoner. Was his hair white the first time passed through the double doors? See the man in the wheel chair scooting along the sidewalk and wonder how he could commit a crime- or did he sit down once inside?

Pass the barber were razors are bussing, smocks are shedding. Pass the gym where rubber is screeching and scuffing. Up the yellow stairs that clang beneath our stomp. Pass the library where older men are reading and typing and peering through the windows.

Unlock the classroom door.

Tables to the walls, chairs to the middle. A circle of eight, we wait. The chairs fill, one by one as writer by writer enters and take to their seats. We greet each other and ask how ours days have been.

At last, we open our notebooks, put pens to paper, we begin to write. Our experiences of entering and exiting the prison of our selves becomes a voice, shouting, whispering, whimpering, or laughing from the pages within. Our voices; written. Our voices; heard.

Metal free cage

A prison of grief

is its own

cage

shapeless, metal

free

His shoes, still in the coat closet

with the heels pushed down

by his flat, yellowing feet

Next to my rain boots,

rubbery and bright and impossibly happy.

His shoes imprison me.

His tooth brush.

Still

frothy from the last time

the bristles scraped his creamy teeth.

A mirror with only one face instead

of four

looking, not back at me

but at

the back of my head

I tilt the jade medicine

cabinet to show a thousand infinite

heads, tunneling into an abyss

of me’s.

No face

is his.

His toothbrush imprisons me.

The odor of his sweatshirts

and the way they wear

stiff upon my shoulders as large as his

the stale smell of a teenage boy

that last he was

is woven into the sleeves

the very thread carries his skin

in stitches stitches

I wear his sweatshirts

when I sleep

His clothes imprison me.

His handwriting

smeared by the heel of his

left hand, left handed,

scooting across the page on a train

of ink, his pen a wedding gown

his inky words a trailing cloth of silk.

Math worksheets, grammar worksheets,

Letters to his friends and thoughts

on dying

his handwriting is in boxes

interred

in my basement

spilling out from plastic lids,

vomiting from the bookshelves

that claim his baby photos,

prom photos, nauseating memories.

His handwriting imprisons me.

His photos in prison.

It is only when I resist

his vestiges around me that

I feel

nothing

but his spirit

his bodiless memories

in me

that I am free.

In My (Our) Shoes

24 Feb

By Mary Walle

About the guest blogger: Mary Walle is a Senior at the University of Michigan studying History. She’s been involved with the Prison Creative Arts Project since January 2012. Through PCAP Mary has participated in three theater workshops and performed in four original plays, one with the young men at Wolverine Human Services and three with two groups of men at Gus Harrison Correctional Facility. Their final production was February 7. Mary continues to work with PCAP but is not currently participating in any workshops in order to focus on her Senior Thesis Project on the Sanctuary Movement in Detroit. She dedicates her thesis to the men she worked with at Gus Harrison.

I was always conscious of my clothing going inside nearly every week of this past year. Wear something baggy to cover my form. Make sure I have socks. (One time, I wore sandals and panicked in the parking lot. Thankfully, I was let in.) Definitely wear a bra. Nothing ‘revealing’ or ‘suggestive.’ Suggestive of what? That I am a woman in a men’s facility? Turns out that’s pretty hard to hide. And the catcalls made it clear that everyone has eyes and no baggy sweater can hide: I’m a woman inside.

I walked inside Gus Harrison Correctional Facility every week for a year. For a year I’ve been part of two successive theatre workshops. For a year I have walked inside Thursday evenings at 7pm and left at 8:30pm. Yesterday I walked out for the last time.

I was purposeful with what I wore. My shirt and pants as unattractive as I could manage. But I was also purposeful to wear something that might share some of myself without a need to exchange words. Shoes. Shoes tell something about a person. Inside and outside but perhaps they can tell a particularly important story inside.

Danny wears plain black shoes, always covered in dirt and dust. He’s a gardener. He tends and manages immense gardens, cultivating greenhouses of poinsettias and more. 5.7 always had meticulously shined shoes. They were beautiful and spoke to me of self-respect and pride.

Glover-Bey mostly wore brown boots that didn’t look like they were made for actually working in. On occasion though he wore white high tops with a glossy sheen. The day of our play he wore the high tops. They took his hunched form across the back forty. White shoes against blacktop. We walked from different points to the same destination unable to acknowledge each other on that barren blacktop, but our shoes took us to the same place. A place, if only for a moment, where we could.

My shoes too said something about me when I wasn’t allowed to say much about me.

I first always wore my Birkenstocks. I got them in eighth grade. It’s a big deal in my family to get Birkenstocks, a right of passage if you will. I wore them for ease. Easy to slide off and on in the bubble. Then I branched out one week, I’m not sure why.

I’m not sure if it was at first conscious or not that I changed my shoes. One thing I could, with some freedom, change to mix up the monotony of baggy sweaters and those same jeans. My own prison uniform. I think it was the converses next: one red pair, one with a colorful pattern. Two of my favorite shoes. I bought them in high school. The red ones are worn down, beaten by my plodding feet which hustled through the hallways and campus walkways, up many flights of stairs, through puddles and slush.

Now they carried me through the prison yard, a place my high school self would never have expected to be.

I love my red shoes. I once wrote a poem about them. The others are fresher. I’ve taken better care to not beat them up so badly and maintain that crisp new shoe look. One week I must have felt particularly feisty and I wore dark green shoes that had bright green spiky bottoms. Ricky commented, “What shoes are you wearing? I’m down with the chucks but what are those?” They’re another side of me. The spunky, wacky, stand out, side. I didn’t say this but maybe my shoes did for me.

Shoes can be controlled in a mostly uncontrollable place. They say something about a person. I didn’t notice everyone’s shoes. Most were of a uniform variety, black and simple, scuffed and broken to various degrees. Most I suppose blended with the uniform I became so accustomed to seeing that sometimes I didn’t see it at all. Except when my purple jacket laid next to a set of their same blue and orange jackets.

But some shoes stood out. I felt were prided or told a particular story. Some I could infer others still a mystery, much like the men I knew.

In a way shoes inside are just the same as outside where people wear all sorts of shoes to “express themselves” and also just practically for different reasons. When so many forms of expression are denied a person, when everyone wears ‘prison blues’ with the orange stripe across their back, down their pants, and an orange hat so bright it hurts to look at, I imagine shoes begin to mean something more. Any show of difference would. It’s so natural, so human to want to be different, special, unique.

I wish my shoes and Glover-Bey and Danny’s shoes could talk. They might speak of everywhere they’ve been with me and them, of when they were bought and why. So much of what needs to be said can’t be said inside. So much of what is said is not spoken at all. It’s said through body language and eyes. I look into a man’s eyes and my eyes are saying with all I am “I see you.” Do you see me? Just as I am. Incomplete and imperfect but I come. Every week I came. I saw you and you saw me. We knew each others shoes.

I don’t know what shoes mean inside. I can only imagine, as I can only imagine what it means to live, be, and survive in there. You don’t hear their voices or see their shoes except through the mediation of my eyes and voice. I wish you could.

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